Labels: dumbasses, politics, this is america, ugly people

"Made in China" sure doesn't have the sweet ring that it used to. Check out what they're putting in our toys now.

Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who swallowed the beads became comatose, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said in a statement. The children recovered.

The Date-Rape Drug is in toys now? Stop toying (teehee) with us, China. We all know you're trying to sink the United States by trying to force a seedy, underground, toddler-date-rape society on us.

BTW, I don't recall licking and swallowing toys when I was a child, but I am a little curious about the chemical compounds sure to exist in some of my old toys.

Labels: kids, this is america

Boyz II Men shocked the world when they sang "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. How did Boston land that act? Seriously, though, what's with all the gratuitous America loving? The Star Spangled Banner is more than enough. Here's a compromise: hand out American flag lapel pins to the first 15,000 fans, and don't take away our Jumbotron limbo time.

"He can find the monster with the right stroke." - Tim McCarver with Todd Helton at the plate in the 9th. This is a filthy thing to say, McCarver, and your dumb ass knows it.

I'm convinced that Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is at least slightly retarded. Watch him clap at the baby in this commercial.





UPDATE: I forgot to mention the really long interview with the dude from Taco Bell talking about how everyone gets a free taco between 2 and 5 pm next Tuesday, the 30th. Thanks goes to Boston center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing the base, and thus helping America steal a Taco. USA! USA! USA!

Labels: sports, this is america, tv

I hate online polls (see here and here).

News broke this morning about the Royals hiring a new manager. So, they had to throw up an online poll. Sadly, Americans are suckers for polls. In an hour and a half, 700 people jumped at the opportunity to cast their meaningless vote.


I can no longer blame media outlets for putting up online polls. Polls drive traffic to websites. We need to focus our efforts on the people who click on these things, justifying their existence.

Labels: kansas city royals, polls, sports, this is america

I just got done watching Matt Lauer interview Larry Craig. I don't think Larry really won too many points with the interview, but he didn't really hurt his case either.

Matt tried to put his "I'm a legitimate newsman" face on, but it just didn't take. You could tell he was trying to catch Larry Craig off guard with some of his questions. Matt's best line was when he told Larry that Larry's dad probably didn't take gay bathroom sex into consideration when he told his son to work hard when he grew up. I also thought Matt might get him when he said "what if you're bisexual instead of gay?" Larry was too quick on his feet for that one.

Overall, I thought Matt wasn't exactly Mike Wallace, or even Andy Rooney for that matter. Call me for some tips next time, Matt. In fact, here's a freebie question you could've asked: "Senator, is it possible that at some point in your life you accidentally did a bunch of drugs, had gay sex, and forgot about it?" I bet that one would've got him.

Labels: media, police, this is america

Get ready to hear plenty about this "Democrats need vaccinations before going to NASCAR events" story.

In an e-mail, a staffer who works for committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., noted an "unusual need for whomever attending to be vaccinated against hepatitis A and B," as well as "the more normal things — tetanus, diphtheria, and of course, seasonal influenza."

This is already getting loads of play from Republicans trying to convince the two non-Republican NASCAR fans to convert.

I love the fact that NASCAR fans are all "they think we've got diseases" instead of "yeah, there usually are about 100 thousand people at NASCAR events, I guess it's reasonable that some political hack might get concerned about the possibility of a stuffy nose."

Note: NASCAR-inspired mullets are traveling petri dishes.

Labels: NASCAR, politics, this is america

I went to Chipotle for lunch. I left annoyed.

It wasn't busy, so we walked right up to the burrito-press lady. This particular Chipotle employs more natives than most. Today, all the workers at the counter were speaking Spanish. The four customers in front of us were speaking Spanish, too, and were really chatting it up with the Chipotle staff. I figure these mystery Mexicans must also work at the 'potle. Maybe it was their day off, and they came in for a little employee-discount action. Whatever the case, it was practically Mexico in there with all the Spanish flying around.

They eventually took a break from what was surely a discussion on Telemundo hit "12 Córazones" to prep our order.

The cash register woman tallied up my burrito, chips and salsa. Then, she muttered something at me. My best guess was that she wondered if I needed anything else. I said "that's all." Nope, she was asking whether I wanted it to go. I said "Oh. Sorry. To go," and I let out a little chuckle as if to say "silly me." She responded with, "don't you speak English?" She was joking. I admit, it was half humorous, but it still took some restraint to not say "Yeah, I do speak English. But not with a thick-ass Mexican accent."

Labels: chipotle, mexican, restaurants, this is america